My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Ha
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.