God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me, reading some of your tweets
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.