Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
No point crayon over spilled milk.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?