I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.