As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂