cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go