Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
You Might Also Like
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Sell your car
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m going to need a moment here.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake