What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
crying
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Breaking news:
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did