Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
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Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My time has come.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.