My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.