What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
You Might Also Like
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.