I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.