The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
The biggest mystery of our time
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”