Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.