Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
step 6: release the wall snake
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot