welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Practicing safe sax
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE