Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤