[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.