Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
You Might Also Like
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Don’t make me out nice you.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.