Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Cha-ching is my safe word
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Oh we’ve met.
where the womens at?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.