COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night