Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?