The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.