They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
idk what he going thru but i feel him
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads