Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die