To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
How I like cutting carbs
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks