I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
You Might Also Like
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
email: CC
my brain: corn cob