My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.