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I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m about to risk it all
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
rapatouille