it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing