Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
consequences, the bane of my existence
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.