me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.