Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING