I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.