*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Sunday
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you