Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy