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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit