Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.