DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My whole life was a lie.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
oh my gosh!!
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”