All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”