At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity