Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Them: I鈥檓 not getting that vaccine! I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
it must be school picture day
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don鈥檛 please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn鈥檛 take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I鈥檓 still laughing .
That鈥檚 fair
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I鈥檓 just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
#KarenAndTheCat 馃槈