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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
This is always good for a laugh.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
All is fair in drunk and war.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*