i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?