You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast