How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Basketball
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
At least try to make it slightly believable
Welcome
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.