I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December