What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
They must have gotten it to go.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Important
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon