Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Twitter fine art
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Tell me you get it…🤣
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille