accurate
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
the short answer to this question
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.